How to make a friend feel better

I got a friend whose a very sweet and warm person, and one who has an intense love relationship with her 5 year old brother (he's literally her life blood). Unfortunately he has fallen ill with asthma, to make matters worst they are a single-parent family in which the mother is always away on business trips, a really stressful life. That's why my friend is trying to take care of her younger bro's asthma on her own. She took up a part time job, which is to model in bikinis at a local sports wear store (store gets models to put on their products so customers will see what it's like when worn), a place which has wages good enough to pay for treatment bills. Lightens up the economical burden their mother already has as well as not having to let her worry about her son all the time. That's a lot for a 16 year old!!! And it's all for her little brother. Says a lot about the love she has for him, and to be honest I'm really proud of her.

Unfortunately, a dark cloud has fallen upon the situation. Or to put it short, Chrissie has been gang-raped by a group of 3-4 men. It's not unclear on how this has happened. There may be people who likes/dislikes/attracted to/admires what she does on her job, but there are also those creepy people out there, which unfortunately has become part of **** misfortune. It happened on her way home from work one evening. Chrissie has obviously been targetted by obnoxious ******** while she was on duty, She's physically OK, made it out alive or without injuries at least, but she has been affected heavily mentally. Chrissie seems to be depressed, traumatized or suffering from after shocks from what has happened. No matter what I and other friends tell her she still has tears falling down her cheeks for the last few days. I'm really in a real lost on what I could do to make her feel better, I mean why does loosing her virginity pain her so much? Before this incident happened she did tell me she's fine with the job, and is used to rather dirty encounters with passing customers such as being called a "hottie" or "babe", as well as being stared at by some, but she did say she's used to this stuff, but when the rape comes, it's like the bullet has hit her hard to a stage where there's no cure for. I don't fully understand on why it hurts so much mentally to be raped.

Is it just harder for me to make her feel better because I'm of her opposite sex? If I get another female friend to comfort her would that make her feel better? We are all of the same age and I understand that this is when she needs us the most.

I've known her for three years and have never really seen her this down before. The whole purpose of asking for this question is simply, what can I do as a friend to help her recover from what appears to be a pretty deep psychological scar? And also, does being raped hurt physically for a girl? I to be honest don't have much details of the whole thing apart from a generalization of what happened. Just trying to avoid much talk about it with her to avoid a meltdown.

I've shared this with one individual from another circle of friends. He feels that she is part of the blame as well because she shouldn't be exploiting herself and her body so widely in the public regardless of what the purpose may be. I don't disagree with his opinion, but I do have more sympathy on this than him.

btw, she's a tough girl. When she got home that night she hid it from her mom and brother, and only dealt with it herself the whole way through. Bless her and wishing her the best as ever!

 

She will be depressed for a long one time. Her desire to live and her purpose of life will start to fade. Perhaps bring her to a church.

 

Are you in Canada? The mention of treatment bills makes me think that you are not. First, your friend went through something incredibly traumatic. Sorry to sound blunt, but it's common sense and obvious why she's being affected adversely by what happened.

Everybody will react to trauma, whether physical, psychological (or both) in their own way and her behaviour is completely normal and may be something that she struggles with lifelong. It is not going to be something that she "gets over". Look up Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

As a friend, the best thing that you can do is to be supportive without being imposing. Reassure her that it is not her fault. Point out sexual assault resources that she can access, but don't be forceful. Let her dictate how she wants to recover and how she wants to deal with it, but watch out for warning signs that indicate self-harm or suicidal thoughts.

By the way, sharing this with your friend is a bit of a dick move . His ignorant opinion is classic victim blaming. I also hope you have changed the details of her story like your friend's name .

Here are some things that you can do while respecting her privacy:
1. Encourage her to talk to someone she trusts if/when she's ready
2. Since she's a minor, ask her if she is comfortable with talking to her parents about it.
3. Encourage her to access sexual assault support services
4. Get her medical care (trusted family doctor or find a clinic that specifically deals with sexual assault) - note that this may be a huge intimidating step for some people
...
99. Find out and explain to her the options of reporting the crime in your jurisdiction, but don't push her to report if she doesn't want to. The focus is on helping her recover not justice. I forget the statistics but a large chunk of victims don't report and that's perfectly understandable. Of those that report, something like 1% (don't quote me) actually proceed to court and even less result in a conviction. Some victims might find that this process helps them heal, but probably the majority find the opposite (invasive medical exams, questions & statements to police and lawyers, being in court). It sucks but it's the reality of our legal system.

Keep the following in mind:
Many victims feel that their body's integrity has been violated. They might feel that they have lost control of their own bodily autonomy. Taking away their control (eg: by forcing them to report the crime) can actually harm them and compound what the rapists did. We all have the tendency to want to be very vigilant in these situations, but it can do more harm than good.

 

Don't do that if she's not religious.

 

Are you kidding me ?? You don't understand why your friend would be upset? WTF is wrong with you! You obviously aren't mature enough to deal with this.

 

Guardian needs to put on weight! He is not a religious zealot! He is a kind person that is an accomplished photographer and a great contributor to the forums. His religion and beliefs are meant to help - not to harm!

 

I agree, he is a great contributor but in this case, the topic is too complex for him to fully grasp and it shows in his simplistic reply.

I agree that the OP fucked up by telling his friend and possibly revealing her name but you can tell that he cares about his friend and is at least asking for advice on how to help. He's not mature enough to understand it fully but he's only 16 and he has good intentions. If he's not a native English speaker, it is difficult to judge his thought process due to things being lost in translation.

 

Thanks for all the replies (except one). Well she is all physically OK now as I heard from another close friend of hers' that she did go to a medical clinic to have her vaginal rectum rinsed as well as scars or wounds(?) treated. So at least she won't get pregnant hehe. The only remaining challenge she still has is to get herself back on track emotionally, and I reckon that the factor of "body integrity violation" is definitely the thought that's bothering her the most (she cried a little saying she felt dirty). From this I suppose that she literally had no control over her own body during the entire time it happened, could've been more than the rape, she could've been body-harassed, who knows?

No police or authorities are involved in this as that's the way she wanted it (I think Hello nailed the reason), she also don't want this to get to her little bro as he's probably going to feel real bad that this happened to his sister just because she was caring for him. Might not be immediate but once he grows mature this will start bugging him.

I don't think she is religious, neither am I so church probably isn't an option. And in regards to the victim-blaming individual, he already knew her previously so there isn't really anything fucked up about that, apart from his own opinion of the incident maybe.

Don't have much clue if she will continue modelling, as the money isn't really the only reason she's doing it. I find that she was actually starting to get keen on the job after being at it for a while, up until...

 

Are you from Canada?

 

A crime scene we have here. I can't believe she's not having the bad guys arrested. This is major. The op thinks it's nothing. If found guilty, the bad guys Could go to jail for 10 years or so. Where are you from? India? This is no joke here.

 

We are in Singapore. We are Canadians, most of us.

 

The most important goal is to help the victim recover. Sending the bad guys to jail would be nice but it takes a back seat to the victim's needs.

Going to the police will likely make the victim feel WORSE and accomplish nothing legally. The stats are TERRIBLE!



Please read what Hello wrote below!

 

Here is a resource that is local to you - http://www.aware.org.sg/. From reading their FAQ on sexual assault laws, Singapore seems to have very archaic and backwards laws regarding sexual assault.

For example, under Singapore law, a man can't be raped and a husband can sexually assault his wife without breaking the law unless some strict conditions apply. SMH...

It might be worth consulting the consular services at the Canadian embassy. They can often point out special counselors or medical personnel for your friend.

One George Street, #11-01
Singapore 049145

Consular Section Telephone: (65) 6854-5900
Consular Section E-mail: [email protected]
Consular Section Fax: (65) 6854-591

 

Well things are a lot calmer now, even though she is still suffering from after schocks from time to time. But at least she is generally mentally stable. She finally gave us her story of what really happened that night.

She walked her way to the subway stop as usual, passing a lane that was away from the populated districts where most of the people are; when suddenly someone threw his arm around her neck and dragged her into a condo, a flat on the 1st floor with a small flight of stairs having direct access to the street. Street isn't particularly deserted during the day but it does get quiet at night as it's only perpendicular to the main road at a considerable distance. So yes it was a rather easy place for the capture. A man (relatively young) dragged her into the flat, joining three others in the room. The rapists sorta made sexual remarks about her as well as feeling all over her body (yes they did also reach under her clothes) as one would when wiping windows. Chrissie was petrified, but the thought of rape still didn't enter her mind yet. Not until the men started tearing off the shirt and pants she had on, and each taking turns forcing their genitals into her vagina as she was pressed face-down onto the ground. She moved and wriggled in an attempt to break free of the rapist, but a retard would know that a 16 year old girl is no match for a man above juvenile age. Chrissie even screamed and wailed in horror at first but she found that it was no use. She honestly did think that she was going to die there, and just had to let it be and give her body away. The entire duration of the rape took about 15 minutes, amidst tears left behind from the trauma she also carried the fear was that sperms would make their ways to her ovaries and get her pregnant. That's why she went to sought help from a clinic the next morning. Fortunately she only came out with slight scars and wounds around her rectum as well as a few bruises on her body. The 'lucky of the unluckiness' came when all 4 of them kind of layed themselves back, and in a surprise dash she grabbed her clothes and fleed out the door despite bearing a sore pain and being really tearful. The men did not chase after her. To me this was really strange as I was rather surprised that the men would've kept her and at least threatened her if not killed her to prevent being nailed down by authorities, didn't they think that Chrissie could've reported them!? Lots of sketchy people with strange mindsets in the place of Singapore, but Chrissie pretty much is the luckiest girl alive I'd reckon.

In front of all her friends she pretends that she's all fine. She doesn't want help from the police and all she keeps saying is "I'm ok, i'm fine etc." I bet that the mental scars left behind is still giving her haunts, she just doesn't show it. The thought of having 4 men literally forcing sex with her is not only violent and humiliating, but purely, disgusting..

 

I don't understand why are you publishing your friend's story on the internet like this? She likely told you all this in confidence. This is the type of thing that needs to be kept private, or at the very least written with details significantly altered to protect your friend's identity.

 

Ho, ho, ho, I think the OP is trolling. Good one tho.

Up the Cumberland Blue Army! The OP is likely a wanker from Workington!